dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
