I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
