I am puke
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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