she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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