So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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