god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
50% drunk capacity currently
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
