Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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