Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
