I didn't shave. On purpose
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
