my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
