I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
