We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
