I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
