Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
