I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
