maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
