it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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