I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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