she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
my liver is dry heaving
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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