It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Acid is not a monday night drug
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
