This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
