Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
