I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
