Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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