I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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