he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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