period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
