Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
