im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
