i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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