Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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