I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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