my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize