i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Randomize
