Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
