I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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