cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
