I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
