I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
