my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
