i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
