A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize