the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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