1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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