Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
