Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
