I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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