I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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