Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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