She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
