I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
