I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
