Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
