I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
