Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
