just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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