yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
