Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
