Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
