The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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