I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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