A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel great
I just peed on a car
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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