headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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