Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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