I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
