Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
