I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
