Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
and you fell through a lawn chair
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
