My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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