I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
