Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
