Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my mouth tastes like poor choices
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
