just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
