I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Who died my cat blue again?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
