We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
