So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
